The Ferguson Report: Hydroxymorons, and rugby scratches its tackle
by Tim Ferguson“HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE MADE ME STUPID!”
A gullible dingtwerp has incorrectly blamed his gormless thugwittery upon the drug hydroxychloroquine.
He guzzled disinfectant saying, “It’s as simple as E=MC Hammer.”
The World Health Organisation claims the drug is ineffective and dangerous when used on COVID-19 patients.
“Huh? Is it ineffective or dangerous? It can’t be both,” said the failed inventor of the Motorbike Airbag.
A White House spokeswoman agreed. “’Ineffective and dangerous’ is a HYDROXYMORON.”
Clive Palmer has insisted his foundation bought 32,900,000 doses of it. That’s a lot of pool cleaner.
Hydroxychloroquine – the drink you have when you’re not having a think.
MICHAEL MOORE MOVIE EXPOSES MICHAEL MOORE MOVIES
US hysteria merchant, Michael Moore’s new film, Planet of the Humans has been removed from YouTube, and not just because it lacks apes.
The fact-free documockyoumentary makes Sharknado look like a movie.
It has been condemned as misleading by climate scientists, activists and other uni clubs.
Viewers are warned Moore’s next film, Planet of the Single-Cell Organisms, will contain very-very-close-ups.
JOBKEEPER SACKED
Treasurer Josh Frydenberg refuses to blow the $60bn JobKeeper clusterfudge cash on pointless luxuries – like people.
RUGBY SCRATCHES ITS TACKLE
“Rugby is back, so long as you stay back,” said Rugby Australia, a rugby body which has no neck and ears like squashed mice.
In the first match since the last match, several players fell flat on their faces after attempting to put down a scrum while maintaining the 1.5 metre distance ruling.
A player was sent off for spitting the dummy half.
To keep matches 100 per cent safe, there will be no behaviour deemed recklessly dangerous. For example, no rugby.
TRUMP TWEET TRUMPS TWEETS
US President Donald ‘Hashtag Rash’ Trump has tweeted against Twitter’s decision to add warning labels to claims that are utter bulltweet.
Trump’s claim “There is NO WAY that Mail-In Ballots will be anything less than substantially fraudulent!” is substantially fraudulent.
Trump intended to write a comprehensive legal missive to the Twitter CEO but ran out of characters.
Trump tweeted that Twitter is “stifling free speech”, especially speech spoken by Russian bots. “Russian bots are people too,” tweeted @BorisYeltsinYourMouth. “Bots deserve a voice, but we’ll settle for voice recognition.”
In other news…
- THE ‘NEW NORMAL’ AS WACKY AS THE ‘OLD NORMAL’
- SMUG BUNKER-DWELLING PREPPER DOESN’T REALISE WE’RE ALL STILL HERE
- GLOBAL WARMING TOPIC NO LONGER COOL
- ANTIVAXXER DIES OF UNDERDOSE
- ALL EQUIVOCATIONS ARE EQUAL BUT SOME ARE LESS EQUAL THAN OTHERS