Shining a light on my shame was like turning to face a menacing shadow

Like all successful weight-loss stories, mine was achieved slowly, and it has stayed off. And yes, the positive impact on my self-esteem has been immeasurable. I once was trapped and now I’m free.

I can trace the first noticeable shift back to when I began to openly admit to suffering depression, many years ago. Also the time I talked openly about my traumatic childhood with new friends without embarrassment. And I certainly lost a large whack when I wrote a column admitting
that I was homeless as a teen.

Of course, I’m not talking fat here, although for some it certainly manifests itself that way. No, I’m talking about the heaviest of emotional burdens, one I’ve struggled with most my life: shame. You see, I have lost the burden I lugged like a leaden yoke; lifted the handbrake that constantly stalled my progress to self-acceptance. And it is a wonderful thing!

Shame is an emotional torture, a cat-o’-nine-tails to whip you back into your cage. It goads you, telling you that you aren’t good enough because you don’t deserve to be. You are bruised goods. You are your past and not your future. It is a cloak of darkness that smothers any self-esteem and I was suffocating under it.

It was when I finally decided to address my depression and sought out therapy that I began to accept that shame is self-flagellation. No one can actually make you feel shame. You are the one who accepts and manifests it, the one who preserves it in the darkest recesses of your very soul.

Once I started to shine a light on my shame, it was like turning around to face a menacing shadow.
It disappeared. As my therapist explained, I was blaming myself for circumstances beyond my control. I didn’t deserve my childhood – I was a kid. And it wasn’t my fault that I suffered because of it later in life –anyone would. Realising I did not bring injustices upon myself allowed me to see who actually did bring them. The shame was never mine in the first place.

Once I forgave myself, I found I could forgive others, too. Now, that is liberating! All that heavy guilt and blame is now replaced with a positivity that has made me the happiest and lightest I have ever felt. I’ve decided the past is just that; let it stay there.

Today, when I feel myself succumbing to the pressure to fit into someone else’s ideal, then feeling shame because I don’t or can’t, I deal with it by embracing who I am and realising it’s a lot easier to accept my authenticity than it is to change.

So, to those who believe I should be an ideal weight, bugger you. Yes, I have belly wobble, dimpled arms and the start of a second chin – and I’m okay with it. I would like it noted, however, that I am not fat. I’m the national average. So, knock yourself out if you want to look like a model.

Similarly, I refuse to beat myself up for not being ambitious. Fact is, I’ve achieved nearly every career goal I set myself and now I just like to be calm and content. I am as happy working in a garden, walking my dogs or cooking a fresh meal as others are kicking serious career butt. My life, my choice.

No, I haven’t ticked the life boxes so many believe are vital to fulfilment, such as marriage and kids. But when I’m given the “You don’t know love until you have kids” or “What a shame you never found someone” crap, I no longer pick up the cat-o’-nine-tails and start lashing myself. I remember that I actually chose to live this way. I refuse to flagellate myself with regret, either. There is no humiliation in living the life you want to live.

If you don’t like it, then I don’t care. Because shame results from judgment. And I want to live my life with as little of that as possible. Otherwise, I’m just sentencing myself.

This article appears in Sunday Life magazine within the Sun-Herald and the Sunday Age on sale May 31.