Ask Ellie: Man’s secret plan gets big reader response
Dear Readers: Sometimes a reader’s response reflects more personal attitude than the original letter-writer’s story.
Feedback: Regarding the man keeping plans with his partner secret from his adult daughter (May 5):
Reader: “The guy is using her till someone else comes along. He’ll string her along saying whatever she needs to hear to keep her engaged.
“If she has any respect for herself she’d walk away now as you can’t make someone respect you. I would’ve walked away already.
“If he truly loved her, he’d move heaven and Earth for her. He’s putting his daughter first because his daughter is a keeper.
“The woman is just there passing the time, needy, feeling that bad attention is better than no attention, that saying “my boyfriend” is better than saying I’m single.
“I recently heard a woman who feels inadequate and says “My husband” because somehow (with that), she feels superior, not alone.
“If you’re comfortable in your own skin without a Boyfriend/Husband, they make you complete.
“Why encourage this behaviour, which is stuck in the Dark Ages, that a woman isn’t a person without a man? He’s using her for sex, that’s all. They’re co-dependent.”
Ellie: The letter-writer has been in her relationship for 16 months, the couple both express love, and have plans for a future together.
But you’re certain that he’s just using her.
He is avoiding telling his adult daughter about plans for his long-distance partner to eventually move in with them, each travelling to the other and staying a while.
His sensitivity (or fear) of her reaction isn’t unusual among some divorced parents, especially when she’s his only child.
Meanwhile, his girlfriend is hurt.
But you see it differently: To you, she’s needy, has no self-respect, feels incomplete without a man.
You’re quick to judge. And that is from the Dark Ages — people who believe their opinions apply to all of a certain category: women, the poor, the “other” nationality, religion, etc.
This woman is increasingly aware that the man she loves is delaying their plan to eventually live together.
She’ll reach her own conclusions in time. She doesn’t need finger-wagging, labels and disrespect from a total stranger.
Reader’s commentary regarding children being “sent away” and its differing effects:
“As a sickly child, I was whisked away almost annually to spend one-to-two weeks in a children’s hospital four hours away from my family.
“This was 70 years ago, pre-TV, no hospital-run children’s programs, no visitors including family, and I was too young to read.
“I shared a ward with 11 other children, all confined to our beds by staff. No exercise.
“I feel that it contributed to my shortcomings:
1) I’m in constant need of approval … even now at 76. I was told that if I’m a “good girl,” I’ll be allowed to go home sooner. It turned me into a people pleaser.
2) Relating to friends/spouse/ children in a meaningful way has been a lifelong problem having been forced to live in my own head for weeks when young.
“I took good care of my children but probably couldn’t love them the way I should have. I was afraid to hope too much, suffering what would now amount to child abuse in the way we were treated.
“I think about how those abrupt separations shaped me but they also damaged me.”
Ellie: You’ve shone a light on how even necessary childhood separation requires thoughtful handling and frequent assurances of family love.
Ellie’s tip of the day
Following your own principles should be satisfying enough without judging others.
Send relationship questions to ellie@thestar.ca.
Follow @ellieadvice.