How the COVID-19 Pandemic Is Affecting Your Sex Drive

Stress and Anxiety Is Knocking Your Libido Down a Few Pegs

29 May 2020, 04:00 by Sean Abrams

Those sheltering-in-place right now by their lonesome are eager to get back to some normalcy.

They yearn for some maskless face-to-face contact, interacting with friends and coworkers without fear of unknowingly getting someone sick. And not only do they miss seeing loved ones, but they also want to continue meeting new people, a la going on first dates. Remember grabbing a drink, witty banter, and the thrill of that first kiss?

But don’t think that those holed up with a romantic partner are doing nothing but humping like rabbits. While the assumption might be that all this time together means sex, sex, sex, it’s actually anything but. With the COVID-19 pandemic leaving the world in various levels of disarray, people’s libidos are gradually getting knocked down a few pegs.

“The idea that partners together right now are having a lot of sex is a big fantasy,” says Dr. Chris Donaghue, Sex & Intimacy Expert for SKYN Condoms. “The biggest killer of sex drive and arousal is too much closeness and time together, so around-the-clock proximity with no buffers is killing sex for most couples. In fact, we are seeing a rise in couple’s conflict and even in divorce rates. This time together has been rough and even toxic for many couples.”

But why is that? How come couples in close quarters aren’t tangled up in each other’s limbs, making the most of their time together indoors with extra steamy romps?

AskMen turned to Donaghue, as well as K-Y’s Certified Intimacy Educator Shan Boodram, to figure out exactly is leaving people’s sex drive on the fritz.

Expectations Are Way Too Damn High

First and foremost, those quarantined with a partner are probably expecting more out of ‘em than ever before. Naturally, that’ll cause a dynamic shift when forced to wear the hat of more than just “lover.” Romance takes a backseat when expectations are at an all-time high, and people forget that just because you can’t see a friend, coworker, or therapist in real time, that doesn’t mean you can’t reach out for assistance in the virtual sense.

“If you're feeling the pressure of additional roles from your partner or maybe you're asking more of them, try not to — especially when it comes to therapy!” says Boodram. “There are still so many options for online therapists, be that Skype, phone, or text. And while your romantic partner should already be your friend, that doesn’t mean that you have to shut out contact with other friends because you can't share a room together. You can still find ways to connect and as much as this is a really unprecedentedly difficult, lonely time, we have never been better equipped to still maintain human contact without putting each other at any health risk. So take advantage of the technology available to you!”

Boodram also notes that asking your partner to suddenly fulfill every role missing in your life is just putting way too much pressure on them. Clear conversations are essential here, and if you really need them to fill a specific void, speak up instead of playing coy.

“It's not as hard as you think to set the relationship up for success if you utilize intentional communication and expectation management,” she adds.

Just think about it: Couples who live together could cross paths before work, but it’s more than likely after work when they reconvene, catching up on their days over dinner and conversation. Now, it’s a 24/7 experience where personal space and time alone is a rarity.

“Being stuck together for this long and around the clock amplifies many issues, adds complexities, and even adds new ones as we are exposed to new sides of each other,” notes Donaghue. “It's rare that many couples live together, eat and sleep together, and now work and hang out together nonstop with no breaks. This model of living that we have been forced into by the pandemic is toxic for our mental health, but also bad for our relationships.”

Your Batteries Are Out of Juice

And all that stress and anxiety weighing you down can not only affect your mental health, but your libido as well.

“Sexuality takes energy and motivation, and both stress and anxiety consume all of our energy and focus,” says Donaghue. “It’s a healthy and needed evolutionary mechanism that places all of our attention and resources on the threats and more important things in our environment. Sex drive occurs during times of feeling safe.”

With no set timeline as to when we’ll get back to a level of feeling safe and comfortable, your sex drive could be in flux for an undetermined amount of time. It could even be the case that one person is feeling extremely aroused, essentially dry humping the other who has little to no interest in taking off their clothes. As for how to approach a situation like that, Boodram notes several things to take into account.

“Is one of you struggling with a sexual dysfunction that is causing the break in sex drive? Is one of you dealing with a lot of stress and has not found a successful coping mechanism and, as a result, sex feels off the table for them?” she asks.

“Instead of focusing on having the same sex drive, which is usually the end result, focus on whatever the root is for the person who doesn’t really have a drive right now or the person who is experiencing unprecedented drive. Especially if their sex drive has changed dramatically and they themselves are frustrated with it. Have fun with each other, and try new things with your intimacy in the bedroom. Don’t put all the emphasis on why aren’t we having sex; it’s more on how can we make each other feel good, connected, desired and relaxed. Through that increase in intimacy between the parties, involved sex may seem like more of a natural option.”

And when in doubt? Rub one out.

“Masturbation and porn use are great ways to engage your sexuality, and your partner should engage and participate in ways that feel good to them — sometimes intercourse, other times just oral, sometimes mutual masturbation, other times engaging in ways where only one partner gets off,” suggests Donaghue. “Sex is a huge umbrella term that encompasses a lot of different things.”

Take This Time to Increase Intimacy

Instead of putting all the focus on having all the sex, all the time while indoors, use this as an opportunity to improve on levels of intimacy. Improving on your connection through eye contact, touch, and other bonding experiences will only allow for what Boodram says will be “mutally desirable sex.”

“We’re staying home and we’re sacrificing our day-to-day hustle to prioritize health during this time and ultimately to prioritize happiness and save as many lives as possible. So on a sub level within your home, keep that same energy,” she suggests. “Focus on your partner's health and happiness: what makes them feel relaxed, connected, in flow, in flow with me and optimal? And because we are mammals who are born to bond, human connection is a part of our everyday wellness, meaning answering these questions will bring us to answer what role intimacy plays in our life or what role we want it to play. If you have a good romantic partner, they will want to ask and discover the answers to these questions, too!”

When it comes down to it, the only thing you are in control of is yourself and your actions. You have your health, and in this unprecedented time, you’re lucky enough to have each other. Use this to get to know each other on a deeper level than you thought was possible. Ask questions, be honest, and be compassionate.

“If you can learn something new about your partner that you like or at least can appreciate, I think that's a win,” states Boodram. “And not necessarily something that you like that relates back to how they can be a better intimate partner for you, but it’s more something about them as a human being – an independent, just-as-unsure human being who right now needs to be loved and understood and desires to feel connected to somebody.”

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