Dear Coleen: Husband wants second chance after sleeping with friend while I was pregnant

Dear Coleen

Last year my husband of three years slept with an old friend when I was five months pregnant with our son.

I was completely crushed by it. I didn’t see it coming, even though he’d had a tough couple of years after we relocated to another city.

He struggled to fit in and find a job, while I loved it and quickly made new friends and enjoyed my work.

I suppose we should have addressed the issues in our marriage then, but we didn’t.

To cut a long story short, he ended up going back to our home city for a break and to see his family and he met this old friend and they started sleeping together.

He admitted it to me and I kicked him out. Since then, we’ve been co-parenting and it’s been OK.

When he came to collect our son recently, he told me the affair was over and that he’d made a terrible mistake and wanted us to try again.

I’ve talked to my mum and my friends about it, who all think I should try.

They all like him (he’s a likeable person) and think he was unhappy – even depressed – and that’s why he cheated.

I just don’t know if I can do it, even though I can see he’s hurting every time he collects our son and I do believe he’s sorry about what happened. Do you have any advice?

Coleen says

What a tough few months you’ve had, but it sounds as though you’ve coped incredibly well and have supportive friends and family. Hats off to you.

I really feel sad for you and for your husband actually, because your marriage got lost somewhere in the middle of relocating and some big life changes, and he made a terrible decision.

It might have been linked to his own lack of self-worth.

I’m not excusing what he did, but I think there is a way back from an affair if you are prepared to face up to why it happened and work hard at moving on from it.

You admit you should have got help for your marriage when the warning signs first appeared, but it’s not too late to seek couples’ counselling if you’re both prepared to commit to it and the love is still there.

It’s interesting that your friends and family would support this. Maybe they’ve picked up on the fact that you want it too, but pride and anger is stopping you from trying.

They’re kind of saying: “Don’t worry about what other people think; do what feels right for you.”

And I think that’s what you have to do – follow your instincts and your heart and, if it doesn’t work out, then you won’t be left with that horrible feeling of “what if?” Good luck.