Couples therapists share the 5 rom-coms you should watch, and 4 you should skip
by Maddy Sims
- Insider spoke to couples therapists to find out which romantic comedies they love to watch, and which ones they don’t.
- Romantic comedies are often unrealistic, and you shouldn’t compare your relationships to what you see in movies, the experts told Insider.
- One expert praised “Isn’t It Romantic” for poking fun at rom-com cliches.
- “Crazy, Stupid, Love” and “The Big Sick” received praise for their realistic portrayals of certain relationship issues.
- Some pointed out that classic flicks like “The Notebook” and “Pretty Woman” depict problematic and unhealthy relationships
- Visit Insider’s homepage for more stories.
It can be hard to decide which romantic comedies to queue up and which to skip. To narrow down the options, Insider spoke to real-life couples therapists.
Right off the bat, it’s important to note that many experts believe romantic comedies to be unrealistic.
“They only highlight the initial limerence phase of a relationship where we are genuinely obsessed with our partners and only see the good,” said Irene Schreiner, licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Solid Foundations Therapy. “They span a very short amount of time and typically do not address any real obstacles that couples truly face in relationships.”
Even so, Aleigh Huston-Lyons, associate therapist at AisleTalk, said that romantic comedies have come a long way over the years.
“Over the past decade, romantic comedies as a whole have taken off their rose-colored glasses,” she said. “They’ve upped their nuance game, moving away from classic push, pull, and finally get together plotlines in favor of a deeper, more complex view of the full spectrum of love and its intricacies.”
Still, even the best rom-coms should be taken with a grain of salt. And, Schreiner said, you should avoid comparing your relationship to what you see on screen.
Here are some of the best and worst romantic comedies to watch, according to couples therapists.
One expert praised “Isn’t It Romantic” (2009) for parodying the biggest issues in most romantic comedies.
“Isn’t It Romantic” is a romantic comedy – emphasis on the comedy – that stars Rebel Wilson.
In the film, the main character hits her head and wakes up inside of a romantic comedy. Her apartment in Brooklyn is now enormous, her wardrobe is filled with expensive things, and an attractive man takes her out on lavish dates.
The movie is silly, Schreiner told Insider, but she appreciates its critique of the genre.
“It is the only romantic comedy that I can think of – as a therapist – that I would consider good because it does a good job of making fun of all the romantic cliches of all other romantic comedies,” she said.
One therapist said “Crazy, Stupid, Love” (2011) somewhat realistically displays the complexities of human relationships.
Laura Petiford, a psychiatric-mental health nurse practitioner and licensed marriage and family therapist at Collaborative Counseling Group, told Insider that one of her favorite rom-coms is “Crazy, Stupid, Love.”
The film follows a couple through near-divorce and shows the impact it has on their children.
“This movie does a fabulous job of exposing the many facets of human relationship, in particular, the elements of individuality that must be maintained to sustain life-long attraction,” she said. “It reveals the paradoxical strength and fragility of marriage and how relationships require a level of awareness and concurrent care of self as well as the entity of the couple.”
She added that this movie authentically portrays the vulnerability of relationships when they’re ignored and the painful remedies that might be sought that can potentially bridge the distance or ultimately destroy the union completely.
“The Big Sick” (2017) received high praise from one therapist, who said it shows issues that some real couples deal with.
Huston-Lyons told Insider that “The Big Sick” is one of her favorite romantic comedies.
The film depicts a Pakistani-American aspiring comedian who falls for an American graduate student. As their relationship blossoms, he worries what his traditional Muslim parents will think. When his girlfriend becomes seriously sick from a mystery illness, he has to navigate this emotional tug-of-war on his own.
“It’s ripe with vulnerability and nuance – the bread and butter of a couple therapist’s work – but also shines in its ability to showcase how family expectations and cultural clashes play out when two partners of different backgrounds decide to partner up,” Huston-Lyons said.
The narrative of families rejecting a person’s partner isn’t new but, Huston-Lyons said, this particular film does a deep dive into what happens when parents’ boundaries for whom their child will marry become an immovable object.
“As a couple’s therapist, cultural differences come in all shapes and sizes and evoke values that run deep in each partner’s psyche,” she said. “These differences are a welcome and integral part of the work, and ‘The Big Sick’ is an excellent visualization of this dynamic.”
The same expert added that “10 Things I Hate About You” (1999) depicts an important relationship lesson.
“10 Things I Hate About You” delivers a feel-good ’90s nostalgia boost and, according to Huston-Lyons, one of its pivotal scenes illuminates a critical truth about relationships.
The film is a modern adaptation of William Shakespeare’s “The Taming of the Shrew,” which consists of a tangled web of lies and love. But it’s Julia Stiles’ character, Kat, who demonstrates an important lesson in love.
“Kat expresses all the things she hates about her love interest – from his combat boots to the way he drives to the torture of when he doesn’t call – ultimately revealing the fact that, despite all of these failures and flaws, she loves him,” she said.
She said this particular scene highlights a universal truth of relationships: Merging two people’s personalities, habits, traits, and values will always cause friction.
“Each partner has a choice: reject what they don’t like or adapt alongside the whole, complicated, and flawed person in front of them,” she said.
Huston-Lyons told Insider that even though couples often focus on how differences make them feel disconnected from each other, these differences can actually bring two people together.
“If done right, we can transform those differences into strengths – shifting them from a point of contention to opportunities to balance each other out and love and accept one another more fully,” she added.
“It’s Complicated” (2009) authentically explores the complex feelings around divorce, said one expert
Petiford said that another one of her favorite flicks is “It’s Complicated.”
The movie follows a divorced couple, Jane and Jake, as they end up reconnecting. However, Jane soon learns Jake is married to another woman, plus another recently divorced man has taken a liking to her.
“I love this movie’s humorous portrayal of the ongoing complexity of feelings for families that have experienced divorce,” she said. “It’s not uncommon for couples who have to divorce to maintain … a panoply of feelings for each other and the lives they once had together.”
However, Petiford said, exploring these feelings can have extremely emotionally painful results, especially for adult children who lived through the experience. Plus the result usually yields the original conclusion, which is that the relationship fault lines still exist.
On the other hand, the relationship in the rom-com “Pretty Woman” (1990) “screams potential problems down the line.”
Petiford said she enjoyed watching “Pretty Woman,” which tells the story of a female escort and businessman who fall for each other. But the film isn’t without flaws.
” … We don’t get to see what it looks like for a couple with such diversity in background, financial wherewithal, education level, and life experience navigate the day-to-day when the excitement of new love has worn off,” she explained.
Petiford told Insider that there is a real power differential that exists between the couple, and this often portends difficulties if there isn’t some kind of equalization that occurs.
One expert said “Sex and the City” (2008) is an example of what not do to before marriage.
The “Sex and the City” movie isn’t the best model for relationships.
“‘Sex and the City’ has never been a shining example of realistic lifestyles or relationships, and its first movie meets a similar standard, taking a minor communication issue and expanding it into a dramatic, life-altering event,” Huston-Lyons said.
For example, when Big shares his doubts about the impending marriage with Carrie, she responds with attack and blame. Ultimately, all of this leads to an unsuccessful wedding day.
“In the real world, questions and doubts about the decision to marry are a natural and healthy response to a life-changing decision,” Huston-Lyons told Insider. “Couples and individuals so often feel that they need to bury these feelings underground with concern that they indicate a fatal flaw in themselves or their relationship. In reality, they just mean that they’re human.”
According to one expert, “The Notebook” (2004) depicts an unhealthy relationship
“I recognize that it borders on blasphemy to put ‘The Notebook’ in any category of worst romantic comedies,” Huston-Lyons told Insider. “Yet, looking purely through a couples therapist’s lens, the film is a perpetrator of the fantasy that big, sweeping romantic gestures can be an effective answer to relationship challenges.”
For example, Noah writes Allie unanswered letters every day for a year, and he builds her a big dream house while obsessively believing it will change her life’s course.
“He sweeps her up, rain-soaked and livid, into an all-consuming kiss, shifting her rage into passionate lovemaking,” she said.
This message runs rampant in romantic comedies, and it conveys to couples that relationship satisfaction comes from big, bold moments.
“In reality, it comes from the culmination of the endless everyday interactions that couples experience together, stitched over a lifetime to deepen their affection and appreciation for one another,” she told Insider.
One therapist said that “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” (2002) shows an unhealthy amount of family interference
Petiford said she enjoyed “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” for its entertainment value, but noted that it doesn’t depict exemplary relationships.
The main character, Toula, has to go behind her family’s back to establish a relationship with her boyfriend, Ian. However, Ian isn’t Greek, which causes intense conflict at home – namely between Toula and her father. They are eventually able to move past it, and Ian and Toula get married.
Petiford said that the truly concerning part of the film is when Ian and Toula are gifted a house that’s right next to Toula’s parents’ home.
“This level of interference and influence might make for fun cinematic friction, but unchecked, it will likely interfere with this couple’s ability to have a harmonious marriage,” she explained.
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