I watched porn for the first time in lockdown

Tacky, debasing and raw: these were my views on porn.

I’m a 31-year-old woman and before the pandemic happened, I had never watched it. Ever.

I know I’m in the minority. In 2017 PornHub was revealed as the 36th most visited site on the internet with more than 80million daily visits. The controversial adult site had previously reported that 24 per cent of its worldwide visitors were women. 

Most of my friends watch it and even my own mum was surprised when I mentioned that I hadn’t.

But I have a healthy and active sex life, and have always felt that I’d rather be doing it myself than watch it on a screen. I had also heard so many accounts of porn addiction, and thought it’s sad – because, for me, sex is a beautiful thing and not something to be tarnished by unsavoury behaviour. 

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With lockdown offering us more time to play with and a sense of intrigue, I decided to break my porn-viewing virginity. My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years, and moved in together a few months before the pandemic began.

We have a fairly adventurous sex life, even more so during the coronavirus crisis, with both of us working from home. The moves I throw in the bedroom are ones I’ve come to teach myself through ‘doing’, not through observing others. 

Weirdly we’d never really talked about watching porn before but I guess with the boredom of being housebound we’d exhausted the usual conversations. When I told my boyfriend about my aversion to watching porn, he was surprised. He told me he viewed it when he was single and occasionally with previous partners.

When he suggested we get a subscription for adult channels on TV to see what I’d think of it, I was game. Anything other than another news coronavirus advisory was welcome! 

At first, as we sat on the sofa, watching a group of women violently pleasuring each other and whining like stray cats in a bid to show enjoyment, all I could feel was disgust.

They looked terribly young and I couldn’t help but think what a shame it was for them to be offering themselves on a plate before having a real grasp on where they wanted to go in life.

I was also worried that they might have been acting out against their will and I’d heard about how sex trafficking is a problem in the porn industry. 

 If this is what men think they should look like in that department, then I can imagine many of them must feel rather inadequate

Noting my disgust, my boyfriend quickly dipped to the next channel where oral sex was in full swing. I’d never seen such a well-endowed chap. If this is what men think they should look like in that department, then I can imagine many of them must feel rather inadequate.

Some of the other movies were even worse, showing amateurs at it like rabbits. They awkwardly took off their lacklustre lingerie in bedrooms that looked like they could do with a tidy and the whole scenario made me cringe a little. For me, this was not a turn-on.

On the body side of things, I wasn’t really sure what porn stars would look like but I was surprised to see quite a variety. While the men I saw were hung like horses, the women came in all shapes and sizes. Unlike the catwalk and fashion industry, in porn, there seems to be more of a normal body type. Some women appeared to have breast implants, but from what I noticed, the trend is to have a natural look.  

Some had pubic hair, some were fully-shaven, some had tattoos, some showed cellulite… It was interesting to compare my own body to theirs and I must admit it, it made me feel good that I didn’t look that strange ‘down there’.

Finally, we came across a channel that was a bit more ‘subtle’.   

It featured films by female directors and I found this footage more of a turn-on, with sensual lighting and relatable scenes showing everything from steamy moments in the shower to hot holiday flings. 

There was also lesbian sex and, again, this was tastefully done. This channel definitely helped get my partner and I in the mood for some post-TV bedroom activities. 

Despite some of the porn firing my sexual appetite, my general views on the subject remain much the same. 

In my opinion, many people use it in the the wrong way and a majority of the films available show things that tarnish the beauty and intimacy of sex. 

I saw women taking part in demeaning and violent acts – God forbid people re-enact these dangerous scenarios at home. Some had bruises on their body and bloodshot eyes. These images didn’t enthuse me.    

On the other hand, if used in the right way, I can see how porn could inspire people to feel more confident in the bedroom, and help them embrace the pleasure their bodies can bring.

Overall I won’t miss the end of our month-long subscription. Thankfully, my boyfriend is also happy to let it go as he agrees he’d rather be ‘doing than watching’.

In fact, I think the sports channel will be the only thing he’ll be lusting after once lockdown is lifted…

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Get in touch by emailing almara.abgarian@metro.co.uk.