Own Your Shadow and Change Your Life

Stop blaming your partner, and take full ownership of your faults.

We are all human and therefore not perfect. Yet we deny our humanity by denying our faults. We do this through defensiveness, denial, projection, anger, and other emotions and behaviors.

Most of us have a core belief that people won’t love us if they know our shadow - that is, those parts, self-states, feelings and behaviors that we perceive as negative (greed, anger, lust, vulnerability, despair, aggression and so on). Our brain is hardwired to protect us and if we have a core belief that we are not worthy, then best not to show our full self, including our shadow. Often times, we point the finger and blame our partner for our pain, without realizing that three of our fingers are pointing right back at us -- at our faults, defenses, and manipulations.

Hiding our shadow in order to protect ourselves from rejection and pain, while projecting and blaming the other, hurts our most intimate relationships. Why?

The prices for not owning your shadow

Not showing your shadow can lead to several effects:

• Shallow conversation. Communication becomes mostly self-presentational, consisting of edited stories told in order to achieve a certain reaction or avoid discovery by your partner. This leads to more shallow, inauthentic conversations with your partner. Both partners become too scared to be vulnerable.
• Walking on egg shells around your partner. You stop sharing your critical thoughts and feelings about yourself, your partner, and your relationship.
• This keeps you small and reactive. You need to constantly fearing being exposed so you minimize your presence and voice in the relationship.
• You doubt people’s love for you. Because you don’t show your shadow, others only love what you choose to show. This can lead to doubting that others actually know and love you (because if they really knew all your faults, they would run away).

What’s the solution? Full ownership of your shadow – first to yourself and then to your partner. It is certainly easier said than done. Let’s explore the risks and benefits of bringing our faults openly to our relationship.

Risks of owning your shadow

• More risk. You become more vulnerable and exposed, which could possibly lead to hurt or humiliation.
• More conflict. If you show your shadow, more ruptures and conflict may occur in your relationship.
• Loss of control. When you "broadcast live" and reveal what is really on your mind and in your heart (self-exposure), you lose your ability to control what your partner will think or feel. The conversation can lead to places you may not want to go.
• Potential loss. If you share your faults, certain people in your life (including your partner) might not actually like the fuller you. This might result in the end of these relationships (as you might’ve feared). That said, if you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be with you when you are exposed, then do you really want to be with such a person?

Benefits of owning your shadow

Owning and subsequently admitting your faults enables personal and relational gains.

Personal benefits

• You grow. Behavioral change necessitates awareness followed by ownership before you can choose to change that behavior and grow. Through verbalizing your defense mechanisms, you’re blocking your own exits which aids your growth.
• You are free to express different parts of yourself. Love is the positive freedom to express all your different parts.
• You gain a deeper sense of being loved. If they love you despite seeing your shadow, then you’ll experience deeper trust, surrender, and intimacy.
• You may find new resources. Within the shadow lies hidden resources such as confidence, boundaries, assertiveness, and more.
• You will have more emotional range. Leaning into the shadow allows you to access more buried or suppressed parts of yourself. This leads to a wider emotional range which is the essence of being human.

Benefits to your relationship

• Relational growth. When you share your shadow with your partner, you are raising the bar and encouraging them to own their own shortcomings. You create an environment of accountability, growth, and collaboration.
• Saving energy and deeper communication. Since your partner implicitly knows your faults, confessing them helps validate and deepen their understanding of you. This will allow you both to move beyond the usual misunderstandings and arguments, toward deeper intimacy and connection.
• Prevents the victim triangle dynamic in your relationship. If you are only good and never bad, then essentially you are casting your partner as the faulty one, therefore casting them as the persecutor and you as a victim.
• Increased agency. When you dare to own your faults instead of blaming others, you gain agency and confidence.
• Gain respect. When you wear your faults proudly, you are modeling confidence and people respect you as a mature adult.
• Minimizes gaslighting in the relationship. You help yourself and your partner see clearly what is happening.

How to own your shadow

Owning your shadow can be hard, especially after years of denying or hiding it. Yet it is possible to slowly look directly to your shadow and grow.

• Share this article with your partner so you have common language.
• Choose to believe that owning your shadow will improve your life and relationships.
• Shadow sparks. Make a list of 5 small traits/behaviors you usually deny. Share these with your partner. Ask your partner to stay grounded and not react to what you are sharing.
• Let your partner’s criticism "land." Next time your partner gives you constructive feedback, or even criticism, don’t react immediately; just let it land.
• Focus on the three fingers pointing at you. Instead of automatically blaming your partner, take a moment to see the ways you contributed to the situation.

If you dare to own your shadow, over time you will feel a sense of vitality and freedom in your life. You will begin to attract people who are authentic and honest. You will create relationships and environments where you can speak your mind honestly, openly, and comfortably (like wearing your ‘relational pajamas’ all day). You may experience more conflicts, but they will be of deeper meaning. Full ownership of your faults is a key stage in changing your behavior, relationships, and life.