Life as an animal in Facebook’s pretend communities

The circle of life is now online. During this admittedly lonely period of social distancing, over a million people are currently pretending to be ants, anteaters, bees and frogs on Facebook. Do cows have more fun during lockdown? Or do ants work hard and party hardest? We find out

Day 10: An ant who moos

I have never felt more productive. In the past four days alone, we have dug our way across 4,500 centimetres.

It is interesting, this life in an ant colony. There is a reason there are 1.8 million of us in ‘a group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony’ on Facebook. We can build our own bridges, you know. By climbing atop each other, in any direction, we cross over entire water drops and go on for centimetres and centimetres. The other day, a fellow ANT did the math on — or Googled — how many ants it would take to build a bridge to the moon.

It is not all fun and games; of course it isn’t, we’re ants. Duties within the colony are many: the QPS (Queen Protective Services), ADOT (Ant Department of Tunnels), FDA (Food Delivering Ants), DA (Department of Antucation — raising our young for a brighter tomorrow), AIA (Ant Intelligent Agency), and MAS (Medic Ant Services). In their human lives, these same ANTs are students, retail workers, even independent filmmakers, but guess which occupation gives them more comfort.

Broadly speaking, our days are divided between reverence for the queen, BITES for predators, and sheer joy for working and existing (both of which are the same thing, really). And as long as I follow these three cardinal rules, my secret identity is safe. None of my fellow ANTS here know this, but I am not just an ANT.

I lead a double life. One that you of the human world cannot even begin to comprehend. It is fraught with danger, of the fear of being discovered. For I, my dear unsuspecting humans, am also a cow.

Yes. I am part of ‘A Group Where We All Pretend To Be Farmers And Cows’, with 57,00 other farmers and cows. Farmer Jimmie Flemming is proud of our farm. He was among those who founded it about a year ago. “We were near the front end of the ‘pretend to be’ trend, inspired by ‘original’ ones like boomers and soccer moms,” he boasts to me, as I lazily chew on my cud.

So yes, I am a cow. What do cows do? I do not know. Presumably just munch on grass and cud, and listen to the farmers gab away. Farmer Jimmie, as it turns out, is a pro: “We run three major pretend groups: farmers and cows, jailers and inmates, and middle school,” he says. Then adds, “They were between 10,000 to 12,000 in memberships in early March. They have all doubled or tripled — or more — since then.” Early March... Oh yes, that was about the time the humans scuttled into their stone-and-cement sheds to stay away from each other.

It isn’t all cud and games. The group includes some not-so-pretend farmers too, who discuss their real-world problems such as market struggles and feeding costs, as well as the current closure of sale barns and packing plants. “Packing plants? For packing what?” I wonder idly. I’m getting a little antsy though, perhaps it is time I check in with my other group before they put me out to pasture.

Day 52: The plot thickens

The ants are everywhere. Teeming into spaces where they are unwelcome, with no regards for social distancing. But luckily for the rest of the world, (but mostly Facebook), we the Anteaters are here.

‘A Group where we all pretend to be anteaters’ is admittedly smaller — there are 27,000 of us — but we SLORP and ZOT hundreds of ants at once. Moderator Ari Kubin from Virginia, US, shares his culinary ideas.

“I enjoy a fresh fettucine antfredo, the red ants really tie it all together,” he says. He adds that he washes it down with ant margarita. Ari is a musician, who loves taking care of his anteater pups, and fellow admin Joel Dunnink runs a grocery store in Meppel, the Netherlands.

In a unexpected twist, Joel is at once prey and predator: an Anteater and an ANT.

“I’m part of the ant group as well, but I don’t do much there,” says Joel. “ The ants are getting kind of annoying. They think this is some sort of war game, ‘invading’ other groups.”

Despite peace-loving Joel’s best intentions, the truth is that the winds of war are abrew.

On the eve of May 23, a lone anteater, who goes by the name of Owen Asher, returned from scouting, bearing grave news. “The ants have gained many allies in their travels, we must reach out (to) and recruit all auxiliary troops loyal to ant-eating kind,” he writes.

While the Group of Frogs (toads are also welcome), and their 14,000 members have already pledged alliance, we must get a head-start on ‘A Group where we pretend to be wolves in a pack.’ It is being formed as I write this, and already has 30 members. We must also keep am eye out for any possible hordes of horses. Their hooves would do us well in battle.

I have also been silently watching the developments in Group of Bees with 38,000 others, having gained access by pretending to hate wasps. Ours is a shaky alliance. It is clear that the Bees are friends with the ANTS, they PUKE and SPIT honey for the ANTS to take to their queen but they are also willing to consider keeping good faith with the Anteaters if we hold off the war on ANTS.

Some among our ranks have suggested we go vegan, and eat only shrubbery. But this could just be plAnt propaganda.

We await more news from The Federation of Disinterested Otters. These 227 wartime reporters, despite claims of neutrality, do love to stir the pot.

Joel is trying to stay away from the politicking. “I think a lot of people including me are tired of politics, and the overall business of real life. This is like a “noble escape” from reality. You get to just hang back, turn your brain off and pretend to be whatever you want,” he says, adding, “We, the admin team, have spoken about our real lives and any problems we have.”

Lest you think this is all fun and games... you’re right. Still, some of the moderators have been discussing raising funds for their brethren of real life bees and anteaters.

“What makes this group special…” says Joel, “is the fact we have more members pretending to be anteaters, than there are real anteaters on earth at this moment.”