Ask Fiona: Do I really have to go to my father's funeral?

Advice Columnist Fiona Caine looks at some of the emotional issues at the minute including issues about the funeral of a parent and a woman being pressurised into getting sterilised

MY father and I haven't spoken much in the past 20 years. Since he and my mother separated because of his aggressive behaviour whenever he was drunk (which was often), I really didn't want to have anything much to do with him.

He was in his 70s, in a care home where he was (by all accounts) disliked by almost everyone.

He died last week of Covid-19 after spending a couple of weeks in hospital. I'm not grieving for him and I don't regret not having seen him or anything, but I do have a problem which I'm not sure how to deal with.

I'm the eldest of his three children and my younger sister wants to organise a funeral.

Being younger, she never really saw him at his worst, as he and mum separated when she was only nine.

She is being encouraged by my uncle, my father's brother, but I just don't know whether I can face going, and I'm wondering if I can use the virus as an excuse.

Everyone is going to be saying things like, 'He was a lovely man' or, 'We'll all miss him'.

Well I know better, and I don't know that I could keep a lid on my temper in the face of all that hypocrisy.

I was close to my mother, who died some years ago, and as far as I was concerned, I said my goodbyes to both my parents then.

You probably think this is a dreadful way to feel about one's father, but do I have to go to this funeral?

AC

FIONA SAYS: A lot of people will tell you that 'blood is thicker than water' and that family ties are the most important ones you will ever have.

I've never felt that way, personally, and, as you've found, it certainly isn't the case for you.

Sometimes those responsible for our birth are not those we feel closest to and, from the way your father behaved, it's hardly surprising you weren't close.

I can't judge your father – alcoholism is a terrible disease and I don't know what caused it in his case – but I can empathise with your views.

I can well imagine that going to a funeral where his praises are going to be sung would be extremely difficult for you, but how do you feel about your uncle and sister?

Would you be concerned if it damaged the relationship you have with them?

If their relationship with you is not a concern, just tell them you're not going.

The very fact you've written to me, though, makes me think you do care what others think.

At the present time, the number of people who can attend a funeral at all is severely limited.

Government guidelines advise that the number of mourners should be "as low as possible" and that those attending should be at least two metres (6ft) apart.

You could therefore offer to stay away so that others, who were closer to him, can attend.

Alternatively, you could tell a white lie and say you or a family member are displaying symptoms and you're having to self-isolate.

Or you could go and remind yourself that you are there to support those who are grieving.

Controlling your temper if people are saying things about your father that you don't agree with might not be the easiest thing to do, but think about your sister, instead.

Funerals at the moment are all very short anyway, so the chances are there won't be much said that you'd find difficult to hear.

On top of that, you can't all get together afterwards for a wake because of social distancing regulations, so you're not going to have to listen to very much.

Whatever caused your father to be the way he was, he's gone now, so don't let him continue to find ways to hurt you, by separating you from other loved ones.

SHOULD I GET STERILISED FOR MY PARTNER?

MY boyfriend is 37 and I am 27 and we've been together for five years.

I would like to get married and he would too, but he says he won't marry me unless I get sterilised.

He already has four children from two previous marriages, and he doesn't want to risk having any more.

While I'm not bothered about this right now as, if I'm honest, I'm not sure I even want children, however, I can't – hand on heart – say that I won't one day want a family.

So, my question is, if I am sterilised, can it be reversed?

And would it not be easier for him to have a vasectomy – something he has refused to even consider?

KD

FIONA SAYS:

It is sometimes possible to reverse a female sterilisation, but it is a tricky operation and is not always successful.

Anyone who goes in for this should always think of it as being permanent, and I would be very anxious about any doctor who agreed to operate on you when you have such obvious doubts.

If your boyfriend is adamant he doesn't want more children, whatever happens to him in the future, then he is definitely the one who should be sterilised.

It's a much easier operation, yet it is surprising how few men will consider it; some fear it is emasculating in some way, but it absolutely isn't.

This is a decision that you need to consider very carefully, so please see your doctor or your local family planning clinic for more information.

Finally, I am a bit concerned that this relationship seems to hinge on your boyfriend's needs.

He is showing little or no consideration of your feelings here and this should give you cause for concern.

I THINK I'VE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE

LAST autumn, my boyfriend and I had a disastrous holiday in Spain.

He had spent the entire two weeks drunk – lurching from one bar to the next.

When I said his behaviour was upsetting, he got very aggressive, slapped me, and accused me of trying to spoil his one bit of relaxation in the year.

We said some pretty harsh things to each other and went our separate ways, and I haven't seen him at all since just before Christmas.

However, these past couple of months have made me realise I have made a dreadful mistake.

I realise that I still love him and want him back, so I called him last week, but he was very distant with me on the phone.

When I suggested getting together for a chat when this is all over, he didn't answer.

Have I blown this do you think, and should I try harder to win him back?

RL

FIONA SAYS: I would be very cautious indeed about trying to rekindle this relationship.

Whether it was because he was on holiday or not, this man is a risk as long as he lets alcohol control his behaviour.

Do you really want to take back a man who gets drunk and abuses you, or are you just feeling lonely while we're all in lockdown?

You might also be feeling guilty about rejecting him and his behaviour, which is a trap many fall into.

Faced with a man who behaves badly, people can feel guilty for creating a fuss rather than, quite justifiably, holding their partner responsible.

I think your anger and decision to walk away from this man was entirely justified and I personally think you are better off without him.

If you're determined to give him another chance, make it clear you are doing so only if he gets help with his drinking problem, and promises not to hit you again.

This assumes, of course, that he even wants to come back; his attitude on the phone leads me to suspect that this relationship has already run its course.

I FEEL UNWANTED BY MY EX'S FAMILY

EVER since my husband and I separated last year, I have felt that I have been excluded from the family.

My ex has since met someone else and, by all accounts, she is very good for him; my children think the world of her and enjoy spending time with her.

Whenever I speak to my former mother-in-law, she goes to great lengths to tell me how happy her son is.

It's all getting me down and I'm seriously thinking about moving away but, if I did that, I'm worried I'd see much less of my children.

I feel so unwelcome, unwanted, and unloved.

TM

FIONA SAYS: From the way you describe your relationship with your husband's relatives as "the family" it sounds like you were very close to them and came to regard them as your family too.

I'm afraid, though, that whilst they may have embraced you as part of their group while you were married, after separating with your husband, you've moved to the outside.

They may well still like you and be friendly with you – indeed, your ex mother-in-law probably chats to you about her son as she would with any friend.

Your children don't need more disruption in their lives right now.

I'm sure they would be very upset if you were to move away, and they may even feel that you are deserting them – and you would miss them, too.

Rather than run away from this situation, try to come to terms with it.

Your kids are bound to be excited by the new girlfriend – she is different and has a novelty value.

Your ex's family are still willing to be friendly, but the time has come to develop a new life with new interests.

It doesn't matter what you do - a hobby, a sport or social activity or perhaps an evening course – just as long as it gets you thinking about the future rather than dwelling on the past.

Finally, what about your own family – where are they in your life?

Don't be too proud to reach out to them and to other old friends from before your marriage.

Admit to them that you are lonely or feeling a bit down; you'll probably find them only too willing to rally around.

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.