Parenting and Boredom

Sometimes spending time with our children might feel boring. Why is that?

“It would amuse me for a few seconds, maybe, hearing her, but it would bore me soon enough.” I read the line twice. I had to. How could she be bored with her own child? I thought.

The opening line comes from François Mauriac’s marvelous Thérèse Desqueyroux—a novel that was voted by French readers as one of the most memorable books of the 20th century. The book is indeed memorable. Thérèse, the main character of the book, has tried, unsuccessfully, to poison her husband. Her case goes to court but is dismissed. In an attempt to keep the family’s reputation intact, her would-be victim withholds pertinent facts that would have otherwise led to her conviction. Now, she has to return home to him. During her trip back, she thinks of what has transpired and daydreams about what lies ahead.

The fact that Thérèse finds her child boring sounds remarkable, horrifying even. What kind of person would come to be bored with their own children?

We shouldn’t judge Thérèse too harshly just because she’s bored with her child. Although guilty of serious transgressions, Thérèse isn’t special in finding her children boring. Sometimes even our own children can bore us. Sometimes they can bore us even if we have the best intentions in mind and try hard to be good, attentive parents.

If we occasionally experience boredom with our children, it’s not necessarily a sign of being bad parents. It’s just a reminder that we are not just parents.

• • •

Monotony and repetition are the usual suspects of boredom: they often invite or cause boredom. But such conditions are neither sufficient nor necessary for boredom. Not every monotonous or repetitive situation must be boring. Think of knitting, golfing, washing dishes, gardening, listening to ambient music. And not every boring situation is monotonous or repetitive. Watching TV, attending a mandatory meeting, or making socially mandated small talk, are all often boring, even though there’s plenty of variation within them.

It’s hard to understand when and why boredom arises just by looking around us, at our situations or environment. To get a better grasp at the origins of our boredom, we must look ‘inwards.’ The truth is, whether a situation will give rise to boredom primarily depends on what we make of that situation. But because of that, there’s simply no telling as to what can bore us. Indeed, under the right conditions, almost everything can strike us as boring. Some may become bored with sex, drugs, money, and social status. Others with religion. And yet others may lose interest in their own friends and children.

Boredom is the painful realization that what we are currently doing isn’t what we want to be doing. While bored, we desire to be engaged, stimulated, or challenged in ways that we are not. And so, boredom can color, sometimes even overtake, almost every activity and situation. Anything can become boring for us when it ceases to engage us in a satisfactory (interesting, meaningful, exciting, fulfilling, etc.) way.

But why do some situations have such an effect on us, and not others? Empirical research points to two main culprits. Unsatisfactory engagement arises either because we can’t pay attention to the situation at hand or because we find our situation to be lacking in meaning and significance. These two factors are related. If we think that what we are doing is meaningless, then it’s likely that we won’t attend to it. If a situation can’t capture our attention, then it’s tempting for us to judge it to be meaningless and insignificant.

By putting together the pieces of boredom, a picture begins to emerge. Boredom is the emotional expression of our dissatisfaction with how we engage with our environment, others, and perhaps even with ourselves, and an indication that our current situation doesn’t hold our attention, doesn’t appear meaningful to us, or both. There’s more to boredom than what I just articulated. But we know enough now to return to our main issue.

• • •

Sometimes spending time with our children might feel boring. Why is that?

Given what we’ve just said, one reason is that our attention lies elsewhere. Child’s play isn’t always play for us. That is to say, it isn’t always an activity in which we are able to immerse ourselves. While with our children, our mind travels elsewhere—to our jobs, our chores, all the things that we have to do, and all the things we could have done otherwise. Busy with our lives, we can’t always forget ourselves and our responsibilities, and immerse ourselves in play, like our children do. And so, we can’t play. Instead, we become observers and referees of our children’s activity and not their playing partners.

Boredom due to an inability to pay attention and to fully engage with our children’s activities isn’t primarily our fault. Our wandering and worrying minds manage to drown the appeal of play. Our thoughts and worries fight for our attention and often win. Yet, this type of boredom isn’t irresistible. If we experience boredom while playing with our children, it’s often because we aren’t really playing with them. So, we can attempt to alleviate our boredom by immersing ourselves in their world. Our participation won’t just make them happier, it will also take care of our boredom and help us to form stronger relationships with our children. It’s up to us and to our children to figure out what type of activities foster this type of joint attentive play. And plenty of them—sports, hiking, crafts, dancing, reading together, solving a puzzle, etc.—seem to do just that.

But what if we experience boredom because we don’t find meaning in our joint activities with our children? This sort of boredom is also understandable and commonplace. As long as it arises occasionally, it’s an indication that we can’t always and meaningfully relate to our children’s activities. And really, who can blame us? Not everything that interests them is interesting or important to us. Repetitive songs, building blocks, imaginative play, and video games, although wonderful in their own ways, they can become boring, especially if we do them often.

How then do we deal with this type of boredom? We can counter it by engaging in activities that are meaningful both to us and to our children. In other words, we should aim to find activities in which all parties can be truly invested. Such a suggestion might seem like a tall order, but it’s worth trying. If executed well, it can give rise to long-lasting connections between parent and child. It is, however, hard work. It obliges us to listen to them about their interests and to accept that there might be value and meaning even in activities that at first appear to us to be meaningless or foolish. It also requires that we don’t passively capitulate to their interests but that we try to enhance their interests with our knowledge and expertise. It’s only by doing so, that we can become genuinely involved in their activities.

• • •

We don’t have to be moral monsters to experience boredom in situations that we think are meaningful or otherwise important to us. We just have to be human. Being bored while spending time with our children isn’t a condemnation of our character. It’s a reminder that we have other goals and interests in addition to our children. Indeed, a realization that we are more than just parents, can help us become better parents. It allows us to understand why we might occasionally experience boredom while spending time with our children and, in doing so, it can help us find ways to alleviate it.