South Australia won't have to Pyne for jobs

As former defence procurement honcho Christopher Pyne advises the government to “hold their feet to the fire” to ensure the French manufacturers give some submarine-building jobs to Aussie tradies, the Fin’s industrial correspondent Mlle Rowena Métiers-Francais details the many jobs that Aussies could easily fulfil to help in the construction of our magnificent fleet of subs.

Futurologist: with the delivery date of the final subs already a matter of some conjecture, Aussie futurologists will be in hot demand over the coming century to help inform the French designers as to precisely who and what we will be at war with by around the end of this century or the beginning of the next. Will China even exist by then? Will America be the first totalitarian woke nation? Will Britain still be trying to get out of the EU?

Victa lawnmower maintenance engineer: with the classic Aussie two-stroke lawnmower increasingly a thing of the past, who will still be around and have the requisite skills to maintain Christopher Pyne’s diesel lawnmower engine parts that he insisted we replace the French nuclear engines with? How do you fix a broken pull cord? Can you start a submarine engine without one? Where can you get diesel in 2095?

Spin doctors: over the coming decades, there will be a frequent requirement for a specialist team of government PR experts who on a regular and monotonously predictable basis will be wheeled out to explain why the budget has blown out yet again and why none of the delivery timetables has been met. A school-leaver starting today in the Submarine PR Department can look forward to a long and lucrative career including a slap-up retirement party and gold watch (Cartier, of course) long before a single sub ever gets wet. (Note: successful applicants will be expected to be fluent in French. English optional.)

Choux-pastry chef: Napoleon said that an army runs on its stomach. But what about a navy? As any self-respecting submarine designer knows, a truly functional nautical submersible vessel must be fitted out with the latest high-tech gizmos including a fully equipped and up-to-date "grande-cuisinerie" to guarantee submariners enjoy the lightest éclairs, croissants, boeuf en croûte and other such staples of traditional Aussie tucker.

Data expert: with all instruction manuals, computer codes, automated navigational systems and other such malarkey designed and written in French for the northern hemisphere, some kid who knows how to use sat nav at 2000 feet underwater could come in handy.

Climate change expert: with climate alarmism and catastrophism a key motivational factor in daily political and military life over the coming decades, every submarine will require at least one on-board climate change expert fully versed in IPCC directives and armed with a complete box set of David Attenborough videos and UN Secretary-General Thunberg speeches who is able to convincingly explain to the hysterical and gullible Millennial crew members why whenever they resurface the sea level is exactly the same as it was back in 2020!

Toilet cubicle designers: lost in the small print of the French translation of the original procurement papers (copyright C. Pyne esq., Adelaide, 2016) is a small clause likely to only be discovered during the actual construction phase of the first submarine unit (circa 2055) detailing that conditional upon the expected success of the marvellous same-sex marriage plebiscite in 2017, all future submarines must replace male and female toilets with a specific cubicle for each and every recognised new gender (currently 100 and climbing).

On-board historian: in order to satisfy the no doubt endless media and academic interest in and speculation about precisely who originally proposed the procurement of the fabulous Australian submarine fleet all those years ago and the reasons why they specifically chose this design, there will be an abundance of work for professionals well-versed in the history of the bounteous achievements of the most successful Australian prime minister ever, a towering progressive intellectual known affectionately to his legion of adoring fans as the smartest Ghost in the miserable room (is that bit right? – ed), a man whose powers of communication were legendary, a man who inspired great loyalty and devotion from not only his entire cabinet (apart from the vile, evil, sinister, Machiavellian group of Murdoch-backed climate denying terrorists) but also an adoring public who flocked to the voting booths time after time in gratitude, a man who bequeathed to the nation the magnificent NBN, the enlightened Murray-Darling water plan, the most compassionate subsidised renewables energy portfolio on the planet, the majestic literary masterpiece A Bigger Waffle that now adorns every schoolkid's bedside table, the innovative (I think you’ve made your point, thanks – ed).