How to reconnect with your partner this Valentine's Day

On Valentine’s Day there’s a lot of pressure to have a perfect, super romantic relationship.

It’s totally normal if you’ve been feeling a little distant, and now want to make V Day the time to come back together.

Today’s a day when you can shake up your routine and make time to get loved up, whether that’s going out on a proper date or getting sexy in fancy lingerie.

Whatever you’re up to, it’s the perfect opportunity to get some intimacy back.

We chatted with Sarah Romotsky, the director of healthcare partnerships at Headspace, to find out how we can reconnect romantically this V Day.

Stay in the moment

Yep, sorry, you’re going to need to put down your phone and stop scrolling Twitter while you’re chatting with your other half.

Have a conversation and actually listen, rather than thinking about all the work you need to do or going over and over the day’s events in your head.

Make a conscious effort to be in the here and now, if only for today.

‘In the routine of a relationship, the mind may become less present when you are with your partner,’ says Sarah. ‘Perhaps we are used to our partner being around so we don’t put as much effort into the time we spend with them.

‘It’s important to learn how to bring your attention back to the present while you are with your partner.

‘To do this, focus on your breath at regular intervals throughout the day as part of your daily routine, whether that’s while cleaning the house or making a cup of tea on a break at work.

‘Concentrate on your breath and the feeling of your diaphragm rising and falling. This will help you practice being centered and bring your attention back to the body. The more you do this and create a habit, the more neurological pathways are formed, and the easier it can get.

‘This provides you with the ability to bring yourself back to the present moment more easily and enjoy the here and now if your mind wanders when you’re with your partner.

‘Being physically and mentally present, without distraction, would likely make for better communication and an overall healthier relationship.’

Practise compassion

Sarah says: ‘Being more aware of your thoughts and actions can also help foster more compassion for others.

‘Kindness is not something we need to necessarily wish for or mimic – it is readily accessible and always within us, waiting to be tapped into as an innate quality of the mind.

‘This reserve of kindness often gets obscured by mental chatter: thoughts, fears, worries, frustrations, and possibly anger, judgement, or resentment with a partner.

‘By focusing on your breath and being aware of your mind, you are training it to be kinder, less judgemental, and more compassionate.’

Compassion and care is pretty important in a relationship – it’s a key part of trust and intimacy.

Invest in your own self-care

It’s tough to be connected with your partner if you’re not in a good place mentally.

Love yourself before you love others, and all that jazz.

Make time for yourself so you actually want to spend time with your partner, and learn your own needs and wants so you can communicate these in a relationship.

‘In training the mind, we also learn that the happiness of those closest to us is not separate from our own,’ says Sarah. ‘The more we can see this, the more we are able to set up the conditions in which healthy relationships can thrive.

‘Do something you enjoy, whether that’s cooking your favourite meal, playing an instrument, reading a book, or getting a coffee. Spend some time outside each day even if it’s just a quick walk around the block or for your commute to work. These experiences are not just mental stimulation, but an investment in yourself.

‘The more we provide the conditions for happiness in ourselves, the more likely we’ll breed happiness in our relationships.’

Take the pressure off

Having a good relationship doesn’t mean having every moment (on Valentine’s Day or otherwise) be absolutely perfect.

Relax and let things flow.

Sarah tells us: ‘Overthinking and setting high expectations for your relationship can induce stressful thoughts and anxiety, and can lead to disappointment or disconnection with your partner.

‘Ease the pressure off and reframe negative emotions by taking a moment to stop, relax, and enjoy the present feeling.

‘Breath can be a tool here, too, to reset your mind and physiology, and activate your natural relaxation response. This can reduce stress and decrease any overwhelming feelings.’

Work on irritability and impatience

Snapping at your partner is an easy trap to fall into, but each time this happens it chips away at your connection.

Sarah works at Headspace, so of course she recommends meditation to help reduce irritability.

She says: ‘Developing a regular meditation practice can help you let go of tension from an argument with a partner and everyday stressors that interfere with your relationship.

‘If you find yourself often irritated with a partner during disagreements, meditation can help you learn how to become less reactive and navigate those challenging times better. Ten days of Headspace reduces irritability by 27%.

‘Meditation can also help you learn how to be patient. We are not always aware of our impatience or able to label the emotion clearly.

‘When we begin meditation, we tend to gain more clarity and identify our feelings of impatience. As we continue to meditate on a regular basis, our resistance towards these feelings lessen and we begin to understand and accept these emotions, enabling us to let them go.

‘To start this meditation routine, try Headspace’s Patience or Kindness course, or individual sessions such as Frustrated.’

Perhaps try one of those today in preparation for your big Valentine’s evening plans.