Brexit day is here, so let us celebrate our biggest victory – the freedom to drink very bad wine

Finally, we’ll be free to toast to a new spirit of harmony with Europe in the PROPER British way

In order to truly relish this historic day, the police should advise that the moment we leave the EU, all citizens should stay at least seven miles from Mark Francois and Iain Duncan Smith, as they are likely to ejaculate in such quantities that a tsunami warning will be put into operation, destroying low areas such as Norfolk, that ironically voted Leave more than anywhere else. 

Even then, the Lowestoft Brexit Party chair will announce this was a price well worth paying, from a dinghy in the North Sea.

If you’re lucky, you might be going to the main party in Parliament Square, where you can hear Tim Martin, founder of Wetherspoons, along with Julia Hartley-Brewer, Ann Widdecombe and Nigel Farage, symbols of a young creative nation bursting forwards with agility and imagination.

At last, the “Instagram and Stormzy” generation has been swept aside by an avalanche of youthful energy led by Neil Hamilton and Bernie Ecclestone.

Francois has promised to “stay up all night [to see] the sun rise over a free country”. It’s a measure of how dedicated he is, that he’ll stay up all night to watch the sun rise, where others might just get up a bit before the sun rises. But he won’t take chances, because it’s not beyond sneaky Remoaners to make the sun rise two hours early just to ruin the great day.

Many Brexit supporters refer to 31 January as “Liberation Day”, the way Indian people describe the day the British left the country. And it is a similarly historic moment. One marked the end of a 200-year-period in which an entire nation was ruled in every way by the East India Company, then the British Queen, with a constant army of occupation and frequent massacres, whereas our fishermen have had to abide by EU mackerel quotas, so it’s exactly the same.

And where they had Gandhi, we’ve got Ann Widdecombe. The similarities are uncanny.

This is why some festivities will be even more raucous than the one in Parliament Square. Tory MP Andrew Rosindell explained his party in Romford will involve British singing and British food “and English sparkling wine – nothing French or German”.

That’s the spirit of friendship we’ve been promised, in which our independence creates a new spirit of harmony with our European neighbours, which we can celebrate like PROPER British people, not these Metropolitan traitors who eat European shite like pizza and have wine from places that know nothing about wine, like France. This is PROPER wine made from baked beans and Tizer.

He also displayed his optimistic youthful outlook when he demanded the BBC mark the event by playing “God Save the Queen” before it shuts down each night. This might not have the impact he hopes for, as the BBC hasn’t shut down at night since 1997, but that shows how out of touch the liberal whining BBC has become, deliberately showing programmes all night so it doesn’t have to play the national anthem before shutting down.

Other public figures have added to the national jollity, by making speeches that start with: “We are now in a position to heal the wounds of a divided nation, by coming together to tell the 16 million posh, traitorous, elite, sneering arse-wipes, ‘HAAA HAAAAA GET OVER IT, how DARE you express the slightest tinge of unease, you collaborator.’”   

The most prominent Brexit supporters also explain that whatever it is they do, “this is what the British public voted for”.

And they’re right, because it said clearly on the ballot paper in the referendum “do you wish Britain to remain in the EU? Or do you wish to wave plastic flags in European parliament and hold parties where we don’t allow foreign food and describe Europe as a steaming cesspit of lizard-droppings?”

This is how harmony will be restored, by calmly assuring those who voted to Remain that they should never say anything again because they’re a tiny minority of 48 per cent made up entirely of posh celebrities, so is it any wonder so many people are annoyed when 16 million people are either Hugh Grant or Lily Allen?

It’s true the under-30s voted overwhelmingly to stay in the EU, but they’re not people, as no one becomes a person until they’re 50, and before that we’re mostly made of wool.

The age group that voted in the greatest numbers for Brexit were those between 65 and 75, so now the greatest generation this country ever produced can get on with the job of insisting they didn’t fight in the war to be told what to do by Europe, even though they were born 10 years after the war ended.

And this goes to show how patriotic they are; they were willing to fight Hitler even after he was already dead.

So we should join David Davis and Boris Johnson, to celebrate the passing of a deal they acknowledge is worse than the one they voted to reject.

And yet, somehow there aren’t street parties, there isn’t bunting or firework displays, and hardly anyone sent money for Big Ben to chime. It suggests most Leave-supporters aren’t as spectacularly nationalist as the people driving Brexit would like.

Few people were bothered about the EU until the referendum, so maybe there won’t be a sense of mass euphoria, as much as a national sense of relief that it’s all over.

So the most suitable celebration would be one in which, at exactly 11pm on Friday and sat in armchairs across the country, the nation sighs, “oh well that’s out of the way then”, in unison, and makes a hot water bottle and goes to bed.