Sex in your marriage should get better with age

It’s probably not very relaxing being married to me; I’m always shouting at the telly, “What the hell is wrong with these people? Who makes these shows? Do they realise the damage they cause? As if that would happen, 10 years in! No wonder everyone is so pissed off with their sex lives, thinking that’s what happens!”

My husband eyes me warily during these rants, but he gets it. I find it utterly infuriating when couples who’ve been together for 10 or 20 years (or more) are portrayed on screen as suddenly being overcome by lust. There they are, having spontaneous, hot-blooded, animal sex – on a Sunday morning – ripping each other’s clothes off in a fit of passion, inspired by … what, exactly? Has something happened to reignite this desire? No! Who does this in real life? Who walks in after a long day at work, in a long-term relationship, and feels the urge to shove their partner against the wall and their tongue down their throat, just because?

The shows and films we watch aren’t real. The sex they have on them isn’t the norm. (It’s not even the exception.) And it’s dangerous that we secretly believe it is. A more likely greeting, for most long-term couples, is an affectionate ruffle of the hair and a cheek kiss. For many, that’s as far as they want it to go. A high proportion of people in long-term relationships love their partners desperately but have no interest in having sex with them. And they have no idea why.

It’s baffling. (“The one person I tell everything to and do everything with, is the one person I can’t talk honestly to about how I now feel about sex.”) And upsetting. (“I worry that everyone else
is having all this great sex and we’re the only ones who aren’t.”) There are many reasons why love thrives and sex dies over time. Understand why and – crucially – accept that this happens, and it is possible to end up in a different place. A good way to start is to adjust your expectations of what’s achievable with long-term monogamous sex.

You’re probably not with the wrong person
Don’t just ignore those stupid on-screen antics. While you’re at it, park the unwelcome thoughts that swim around in your head, whispering, “Maybe this is all because I’m with the wrong person.” You might well be. But if you think that solely because you aren’t having passionate sex on a regular basis and you’ve been together a while, it’s safe to assume it’s got nothing to do with the person you’re with.

How many good, solid couples have split because they no longer “lust” after their partner? Most enjoy a temporary lift with someone new, then find themselves right back in the same place, usually wishing they’d stuck with their first choice. Relationships move through three stages: lust and infatuation, romantic love, and attachment. Our brains and bodies conform to this model for a reason: in the third stage, you are stable and calm enough to procreate. (The point, after all, of sex.)

It’s during the attachment stage when it first hits couples that the hot sex they’re having might not last. The first time it happens in our lives, most of us hastily split and find someone new, convinced we’ve chosen badly.

Until, there you are again. No! This felt different, like it wasn’t going to happen this time. Not to us! But it does. Again, and again.

We continue to panic every time our sex life flattens out and either split, seek sex outside the relationship or settle for sexual despondency.

The grim reality is that we aren’t programmed for passionate, long-term sex. Lust and love are uneasy bedfellows, not best friends. The hormones that influence sex and love battle in our brains, rather than happily share space. Losing desire for our partners is actually more “natural” in long-term relationships than continuing to want sex. Is it a straight couple’s problem? No. Gay men, gay women, bisexual … this affects all of us, regardless of sexual orientation.

What’s the solution then?

It’s difficult staying sexually attracted to someone for more than a few years, let alone decades. How to keep lust going is possibly the most important sex issue therapists, researchers and couples grapple with. I’ve effectively spent the last 30-odd years trying to find the answer. There’s always fresh research but the conclusion I have come to is this: there is no one solution. Just lots of little things you can do that, together, add up to big change. Here are some ways of tackling the issue.

See your partner through other people’s eyes
The reason couples often have the best sex of their lives after the discovery of heartbreaking betrayal is because they see their partner though the eyes of the person who stole them. Why didn’t I see how attractive he is? How beautiful she is? If someone else wants what you have, of course you want it more.

I’m notorious for giving away clothes and then wishing I hadn’t when I see my friends looking fabulous in them. I’ve had friends divorce their husbands only to see them with a new partner,
all happy and spruced up, and think, “Why wasn’t he like that with me?” (Answer: he probably was at the start.)

We all have a subconscious mental image of our partner that we carry around in our heads, based on how we most often see them. Sadly, this is usually dressed in slobby clothes, half asleep in front of the telly, idly flicking through their phone, letting off the odd fart, picking their nails … you get the picture. The rest of the world sees your partner differently: they get the suited-and-booted, done-up-for-work-and-play version. The “on best behaviour” version.

People are at their most attractive doing what they love. That might be at work, it might be playing sport, it might be indulging in a hobby that consumes them. (It might also be watching Netflix, but humour me and choose an active pursuit.)

Make a point of seeing your partner at their best. This means moving your arses off the sofa and out of your house. Don’t meet at home, then go out. Meet out – at the restaurant or park or bar
or wherever you’re going. I remember three years into my relationship with my now-husband, Miles, watching him arrive at a restaurant. I noticed him as a handsome man before I realised it was him. Then I watched him pick his way through the tables, the odd female glancing up, head turned. My first thought was, “Well done me, pulling that!” My second was, “Shit. He’s too attractive. What if I

wasn’t here and one of these women hit on him?”

Feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Ugh. Who wants those? No one. But they are necessary. When I go through a “can’t be bothered” stage with sex, I think about an attractive single woman I met at a party who looked at my partner with (a little too) hungry eyes. “If ever you’re done, steer him my way, would you?” she said. I remember her and think, “She could be bothered.”

Maintaining attraction is about recognising your partner’s “otherness”: the person they are when they’re apart from you. And yes, this should make you feel slightly uneasy. When people say, “Oh, my partner would never cheat on me,” I think, “Kiss of death.”

First up, it’s stupid to honestly believe this (how can we ever predict where life will take us?). Second, where’s the incentive to keep your partner interested if this is true? It’s bigging yourself up (“I’m so fabulous, why would they want to look elsewhere?”) and somewhat insulting. Are you actually saying that no one tempting would hit on your partner because no one else wants them?

When people say, “Oh, my partner would never cheat on me,” I think, “Kiss of death.” How can we ever predict where life will take us or our partner?

Look past the obvious
Having just rattled on about looks, the sexiest person in the room often isn’t the most physically attractive. So, what if your partner isn’t great-looking? Attractiveness is made up of many things and physical attributes are just one dimension.

I was at a wedding recently and watched the most beautiful of the wedding guests flirt outrageously with a very average-looking man she’d been sitting next to. Her husband was sitting next to me and commented, smugly, at the start that he had nothing to worry about there. That guy’s not going to steal my wife – as if! It was with absolute delight, therefore, that I watched her move from polite engagement to outrageous flirting.

Mr Under Average transformed himself over the course of the dinner. He started out as the short guy, a bit podgy, grey hair, unnoticeable. But his intelligence and humour, and the way he looked at her and gave her his full attention, made her change her mind.

I got chatting with her later on (shamelessly eager to find out if I’d read the situation right) and fished by talking about what a pain it was at weddings, being plonked next to often boring people. She turned to look at me and said, “My guy wasn’t boring, he was amazing. Smart, funny, interesting. If I wasn’t married, I’d run off with him in a heartbeat.”

Spend time apart
Having (hopefully) made you nervous about letting your partner out into the world without you as chaperone, do just that! Encourage them to go out solo and be sure to do the same. Undo the velcro that’s joining you at the hip.

Anxiety over what they’re up to is good for sex. Doing things separately gives you things to talk about, which is a tonic for your relationship. Grab back your individuality. Stop being matching bookends. Don’t let your partner choose everything for you – from what TV show to watch to what you’ll do in bed – and vice versa. Create differences.

Look as attractive as you can
To put it bluntly, the better you feel about your appearance, the more likely you are to want to get naked. Everyone owes it to their partner to look after themselves. If your partner stays fit and healthy and makes an effort with their appearance, how is it fair if you don’t?

This means exercising, eating healthily, ditching cigarettes, not being the person who’s always the most sloshed at the party. If your partner isn’t doing the same, they should be. Oh, and get enough sleep, do something to relieve stress, smile.

It works both ways, the whole “love but don’t fancy” thing. How do you know your partner doesn’t feel the same? There are many people out there doing excellent jobs of feigning interest in sex that leaves them cold. What you’re feeling may also be what they’re feeling. Appearance matters.

Reinvent “sexy”

On the same note, some women have a strong reaction to “sexy” and hate the idea of conforming to a clichéd idea of it, especially post 50. But you don’t have to. “I’m more attracted to the idea of natural sexiness rather than painted-on, put-on sexiness,” said one 56-year-old friend. “I think sexiness post 50 comes from looking after your body through exercise and yoga and eating well so your skin glows rather than loading on the make-up and squeezing yourself into skinny jeans.”

Stop being boring buggers
We have more gusto when we’re excited by life. Do new things to keep each other interested and interesting. Read books that start discussions. Listen to podcasts. Try contemporary music, rather than your old favourites. Novelty in any area of life has a knock-on effect, making us revitalised and more energetic. If you go through life on autopilot, life and sex are humdrum.

Edited extract from Great Sex Starts at 50 (Murdoch Books) by Tracey Cox, on sale February 4.

This article appears in Sunday Life magazine within the Sun-Herald and the Sunday Age on sale February 2.