Devil cancer sits on my shoulder and whispers 'you'll ruin your daughter's life when you die'

This week has been a strange one.

My routine oncology appointment resulted in my oncologist ordering a CT scan because of my breathlessness.

He’s not overly concerned but because of my stage of cancer, they won’t ever take any risks.

I truly feel like I’m in the best hands with my wonderful Dr Hogg but he isn a miracle worker sadly and after my appointment this week, I’ve been feeling pretty flat.

He told me that ultimately, my diagnosis is still - and always will be ‘incurable metastatic breast cancer’.

And that feels absolutely unbearable to be reminded of.

They are trying to make sure it never comes back but we just don’t know what is going to happen.

People say to me 'well no-one knows what’s going to happen Ro, you could get hit by a bus tomorrow'.

That doesn’t help FYI. I know of course no-one knows what their future holds but knowing that you’re more likely to die than other people, it’s a toughie.

I’ve struggled to not cry this week when Ivy has fretted for me because sometimes it all just gets too much and the devil on my shoulder whispers 'you’re going to ruin her life when you die'.

I get a lump in my throat that I just can’t swallow.

I see the fear in my eyes when I look into mirror and I feel a panic attack coming on because I know no-one on this earth can take that fear away from me.

Bastard cancer.

One of the ways I have always coped with my illness is by masking how truly dreadful I feel with makeup and skin care.

I was lucky enough to go to a ‘Look Good Feel Better’ (LGFB) who is the only international cancer support charity that helps boost the physical and emotional wellbeing of people undergoing cancer treatment.

Their free confidence boosting Workshops are held across the UK for women, men and young adults undergoing treatment for any type of cancer.

Each group session is led by trained volunteers and is a chance to meet others in a similar situation, as well as learning useful skills and techniques to manage the side-effects of cancer treatment.

If you know someone who might benefit from one of these incredible classes, tell them about it.

Now, I love nothing more than taking care of my ageing skin and glamming up with a bit of red lip every day - you’ll very rarely see me without it.

I’ve been using the FaceLite mask to help plump up my skin and to stop me ageing so flippin rapidly.

Chemo damages your skin and your whole body feels like it’s living in a 99 year old skeleton at times so this mask works a dream for me.

It has an LED light built into it and I’m not gonna lie, it looks ridiculous but it’s amazing for scaring the kids.

It only takes 10 minutes that’s it - job done! An at home facial for the day!

There are so many other products I am adoring at the mo, Elemis superfood skin feast collection is as good as it sounds…hydrates my grey skin and I can already see a difference.

I’ll be telling you all about my fave products in the build up to our wedding. Yikes!!!!

Follow me on instagram: cancerfightingpantsareon to see the results in action!