Suzi Godson's Sex Advice: My wife wants us to watch porn together?
My wife and I are in our fifties and she has just started using porn. She thinks it will enhance our sex life if we watch it together, but I find the idea a total turn-off.
It is difficult to know whether you think pornography is a total turn-off, or whether you think watching it with your wife is.
Since most men use porn, it is less likely to be the former.
Although the number of women using porn has increased, it is still a predominantly male pursuit.
A 2017 study conducted by Chris Rissel at the University of Sydney found that 84% of men and 54% of women had watched porn. Similarly, the latest PornHub survey reveals that men make up 73% of British traffic to the site.
Unlike your wife, most men tend not to share porn with their partner. In their 2011 study of porn use among romantic couples, Amanda Maddox, Galena Rhoades and Howard Markman at the University of Denver found that men were almost two and a half times as likely as women to report using porn alone as opposed to viewing it with a partner. Interestingly, they also found that men who watched porn alone had the lowest levels of sexual satisfaction, although that could indicate that men who are sexually dissatisfied in their relationship are more likely to use porn.
If you find the idea a turn-off, it’s worth having a rethink. The research found that couples who watched porn together (nearly half of all the couples in the study) reported more dedication and higher sexual satisfaction than those who watched porn alone.
There is no doubt that it can be a useful shortcut to arousal. And an increasing number of modern websites are trying to get away from the sleaze and female degradation that makes so much of it offensive. So-called sex positive sites such as JoyBear say they aim to change the perception of adult entertainment. If you approach ethical porn together and take time to find a website that you both enjoy, I guarantee you will not be watching it for long.
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Your wife’s sudden interest in porn suggests an increase in her libido. Her age offers a biological explanation for this. The average age for the onset of menopause is 51, so your wife is almost certainly perimenopausal. As you probably know, menopause is generally associated with a decline in libido, but in some women the hormonal changes that occur in the run-up to menopause create a temporary hormonal imbalance that sends a woman’s libido through the roof.
Although men have much more testosterone than women, women do produce some, and when levels of oestrogen drop around menopause, it can create a relative increase in the level of available testosterone. Suddenly, instead of going to bed with a cup of Horlicks and a box set, they go to bed desperately keen for sex. For some relationships it can have a transformative effect, particularly if it coincides with children going to university and a free house. However, for couples who have stuffed “sex” into a dusty cupboard with the Pictionary and the CD collection, it can be problematic.
If your wife’s renewed interest in sex is a response to a hormonal imbalance, it is probably not going to last, so make the most of it. Porn is one way to enhance sex, but there are lots of other ways to do so, and even the most minimal investment will pay dividends. Anticipating sex is almost as good as having it, so start sending her hot texts or try reading erotic novels to each other. The only limit is your willingness to make an effort.
Send your queries to suzigodson@mac.com