Beyonce: Having Miscarriages Before Blue Ivy Helped Her Find A ‘Deeper Meaning’ In Life

The two miscarriages she suffered before giving birth to daughter Blue Ivy led her to a major realization about her life, and sent her on a ‘quest’ to find herself, she said in a new interview.

The road to motherhood wasn’t easy for Beyonce Knowles. Beyonce, 38, discussed the multiple miscarriages she suffered before becoming pregnant with her now seven-year-old daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, in a candid interview with ELLE Magazine. Now the mother of three beautiful children — Blue, and two-year-old twins Rumi and Sir Carter — the “Spirit” singer says she’s found a new “meaning” for herself. “I began to search for deeper meaning when life began to teach me lessons I didn’t know I needed,” Beyonce told the magazine. “Success looks different to me now. I learned that all pain and loss is in fact a gift.

“Having miscarriages taught me that I had to mother myself before I could be a mother to someone else,” she continued. “Then I had Blue, and the quest for my purpose became so much deeper. I died and was reborn in my relationship, and the quest for self became even stronger. It’s difficult for me to go backwards.” After becoming a mother, Beyonce said that being a massive star wasn’t her focus anymore. Sure, she was, and will always be Queen Bey, but it’s what’s waiting for her at home that matters the most. “Being ‘number one’ was no longer my priority,” she said.

This wasn’t the first time Beyonce spoke out about experiencing two miscarriages in 2010, two years before Blue’s birth. Bey called it “the saddest thing I’ve ever been through,” in her 2013 HBO documentary, Life Is But A Dream. “Literally the week before I went to the doctor, everything was fine, but there was no heartbeat,” she said. Her husband, Jay-Z, seemingly blamed himself for the miscarriages in his 2017 song 4:44: “I apologize for all the stillborns / cause I wasn’t present, your body wouldn’t accept it”.

Bey wears many, many hats right now: IVY Park designer, Parkwood Entertainment CEO, actress and voice actress, iconic pop star. But “being Blue, Rumi, and Sir’s mom” is the role that brings her the “greatest joy,” she told ELLE. You would think that everything would come easy to someone like Beyonce, of all people, but she still faces those daily stressors that come with motherhood and work/life balance. “Making sure I am present for my kids—dropping Blue off at school, taking Rumi and Sir to their activities, making time for date nights with my husband, and being home in time to have dinner with my family—all while running a company can be challenging,” she said. Juggling all of those roles can be stressful, but I think that’s life for any working mom.