My predictions for health trends in 2020

Quinoa will go mainstream, and flying to Peru to buy quinoa will no longer be cheaper than buying at Fabindia, predicts the writer

As a noted health expert, I’m in a good position to predict health trends for 2020. So here goes. Fat will be the new thin. Our cabinet, already the heaviest in history, will gain more substance. No more than three of them will attend any event at the same time, to prevent the stage from collapsing. Quinoa will go mainstream, leading Fabindia to drop prices. Flying to Peru to buy quinoa will no longer be cheaper. Macro economic factors will also play a role. Gyms will drop prices, causing an upsurge in the number of people who pay for annual memberships and never use them.

Onion consumption will plummet, which will have a cascading effect on the sale of uttapams. Many Udupi establishments will be forced to switch over to Punjabi food, leading to widespread anxiety in Punjab. Nervous Punjabis will consume more butter, causing weight gain. Lesser number of Punjabis will be able to fit into one auto rickshaw, causing transportation costs to rise across the board. More Punjabis will walk, leading to an improvement in health indices, although cholesterol will remain a concern area. Prices of cow urine will remain steady. The demand for cow urine will continue to rise, leading to pressure on cows to produce more. Attempts will be made to make them drink more water. Many cows will refuse to co-operate. A nationwide strike cannot be ruled out.

The health ministry will hire Amitabh Bachchan to do a film promoting carrots as a cure for pollution. The video, in which he will dress up as a carrot, will go viral. Inspired by this example, the finance ministry will produce a campaign promoting avocados. The avocado will be played by Hema Malini.

On the mental health front, TikTok will continue to play a significant role. Inspired by the example of Amitabh, and possibly, Hema Malini, performers on the platform will dress up as vegetables. Therapeutic threatening on Twitter will remain at approximately the same level.

Further construction of toilets will lead to an improvement in regularity of bowel movements, and greater peace of mind. Since none of the toilets have water connections, the improvement will be temporary. Fear of Karan Johar making another movie will increase. Water shortages will lead to less dilution of whiskey.

Shirtless images of Tiger Shroff will cause more and more Indian men to suffer from negative body image, and he will go completely scot-free. Weighing scales powered by artificial intelligence will provide a stream of useful weight loss tips, and point out that you weighed a lot less three months ago, leading to widespread depression.

There will be a slight but perceptible improvement in the quality of hospital food. Meanwhile, the proportion of ‘miscellaneous costs’ in all hospital bills will stay constant at 25%. AIIMS will raise prices and supplement income by selling avocados. On the personal front, you will promise to exercise more, but fail, which you will compensate for by drinking more diet soda. Have a happy, healthy and prosperous 2020, and remember to buy avocados while they’re still cheap.

No avocados were harmed during the writing of Shovon Chowdhury’s most recent novel, Murder With Bengali Characteristics