'Allocate a chill-out zone': how to keep the family peace at Christmas

Lawyers, therapists and hostage negotiators explain how to defuse festive conflicts

Does the prospect of a family Christmas gathering fill you with dread? Are you steeling yourself for the inevitable Brexit/climate-change “discussions” with certain relatives who perhaps don’t see eye to eye with you? Or are you weighed down by the fallout from ancient quarrels and petty jealousies?

If so, then you are not alone. Every January, the charity Relate sees a peak in people seeking help after tensions with family members came to a head at Christmas. Divorce rates increase during this period, too: last year, 455 people in England and Wales filed for divorce online between Christmas Eve and New Year’s Day – 13 on Christmas Day itself.

So how do you prevent tensions rising? And, if an argument does kick off, what is the best way to deal with it?

We asked some of the world’s leading experts on conflict resolution for tips on dealing with the tensions of large, long-winded festive gatherings. We consulted lawyers; professional mediators; family counsellors; hostage negotiators and primary school teachers because, as every argumentative family knows, a conflict-free Christmas is worth fighting for.

Form a coalition

If you are worried about how to manage a particularly sensitive relative, share your concerns with a trusted family member in advance. “Everyone has their own ideas, and by consulting others you may think of a good solution that wasn’t on your radar before,” says Peter Saddington, a Relate counsellor.

With an ally – or allies – on side, you can plan a strategy of intervention before things get critical: for example, be ready to steer conversation to calmer waters. With that in mind, you might want to create a list of safe, non-political, conversation topics that you can switch to when things get awkward, says Clare Rowland, a mental health youth worker for the Children’s Society.

Dr Melanie Garson, senior teaching fellow in international conflict resolution at University College London, recommends enlisting the help of children, if there are any, to design a “fun” code of conduct to display on the table: “Enjoy yourself. Please don’t talk about Brexit.”

Sarah Weller, a family relationships coach, suggests changing positions around the table after each course, so everyone has space to recalibrate. She also recommends that if you are the host, you can allocate each guest something special to contribute on the day: it provides opportunities for everyone to feel they belong. “Circulate a list of needs in advance: food, a game that encourages conversation, a quiz.”

When it comes to young children, Emily Proffit, a primary-school headteacher and mother of two, says it’s particularly important to stick to routines at bedtime and meal-times: “Tired and hungry children will create more issues.”

She makes a schedule for the holidays and shares it with her children, allowing them a say. “It sounds dull and boring to have a plan or timetable, but it can help to reduce anxieties that children feel around not knowing what is going to happen.”

Harness the power of chill-out zones

There may be moments – especially after the alcohol appears – when everyone needs time out from each other. So make a specific space for that. Alicia Drummond, a therapist who specialises in adolescents, and founder of TeenTips.co.uk, says: “Be explicit from the outset. Say to people: ‘This is a small house and there are lots of us, so if anyone needs time out, we have made a chill-out zone in one of the bedrooms.’”

Set a time for people to go for a walk, Siddington says: “Everyone will benefit from this release of energy and time away from sitting together.” Walking breaks up the pack and encourages one-to-one conversations, which helps people to bond, he says.

Another tactic is to plan legitimate reasons to leave the room whenever you feel you need space: offer to take the dog for a walk, or do the dishes. Rowland even suggests changing the alarm tone on your phone to match the ringtone and setting “alarms” in advance, allowing you to seek privacy to “take a call” whenever you want. You can also agree a code word with a trusted family member so they know when you need support.

Kill with kindness

Try not to make assumptions about the way relatives might behave at Christmas based on their past conduct – people do change. Simon Horton, who trains hostage negotiators, corporate dealmakers and lawyers, says: “If you knock on the door thinking there will be a fight within five minutes, then there will be. But if you go in thinking, this is going to go really well, it is much more likely to go well, strangely.”

He suggests you take the lead. “If you do or say something surprisingly nice, early on, your family will respond to that.” It will either subconsciously put them in a positive frame of mind towards you, he says, “or they will notice you are making an effort and think, OK, I’ll make an effort, too.”

Remember that the aim is to create a win-win situation where everyone gets what they want: a calm and happy Christmas. Studies on the psychology of persuasion have shown that favours freely given usually generate a favour in return, so if there is a person you particularly struggle with, Drummond suggests “killing them with kindness. It might not make you like them, but at least you will like yourself”.

Often, accepting that you are only responsible for your own actions, rather than the behaviour of others, will help you to avoid – and even resolve – conflict, says Graeme Fraser, head of family law at OGR Stock Denton LLP. Instead of internally – or worse, openly – criticising others, he recommends asking yourself: what can I do to have more of a trusting relationship with that person I find difficult to get along with? “If someone doesn’t behave well, say to yourself: I can’t control them, but I can control what I say and how I behave.”

Patience, flexibility and humour

If tension does start to rise, remember that humour can be a great way to defuse it, says Horton: Uncle So-and-So with his Brexit views might be headed off with a joke. “If he doesn’t end the conversation, make another joke about it. If he carries on then, after two or three attempts to deal with it jokingly, you can say, legitimately: ‘OK, come on, let’s move on.’”

Garson agrees: “As negotiators, we know that patience, flexibility and humour are what we really need.” If someone tries to push your buttons, she recommends calling them out, and saying in a jovial way: “I know you’re trying to wind me up, but you’re not going to manage it today.”

Alternatively, if your in-laws keep dropping comments about the climate-change conspiracy, you could say, “Look, I’m sorry, I really love seeing you, but when you say that, it makes me feel like this. And that makes it difficult for me to want to talk to you. Maybe, can we find a different way of talking about it?”

By putting it like that, Garson says, “You have taken their problem and put it on you. Automatically, it’s less antagonistic, and you can both move forward.”

Or simply be assertive

If none of these techniques work, remember that you can be assertive and still keep the peace, Fraser says: “It’s not unreasonable to push back and say, ‘Look, I respect what you have to say, but I don’t agree with your point of view and I don’t think we should talk about this now.’”

Garson says emotional empathy will help you to stay calm and resolve the conflict at this point – and that means trying to understand not only the feelings being expressed, but what is causing them. What people on opposite sides of a conflict often want, more than anything, is to be listened to and have their point of view acknowledged, she says.

“Ask yourself what emotions are driving the criticism – jealousy, loneliness, a sense of being overlooked? If you can understand what is behind the behaviour, you can acknowledge it in a non-confrontational way, without humiliating them.”

You could also try to mirror what they have said to you. Horton says that in a hostage negotiation, “You have to repeat back to the other person their argument better than they could have put it themselves. Otherwise they don’t feel listened to. Once you have done that, they think, ‘Right, yes, you get me.’ Then – and only then – can you put your message across.”

It’s not just about the logic of an argument, it’s about feelings, he explains. “You’ve got to show that you get what they are upset about. It’s about acknowledging their emotions.”

It may, of course, be hard to stay calm in these situations, but you have to refrain from expressing your own emotions and getting into an argument. If what they say upsets you, remember that having it out on Christmas Day may upset other people in the family whom you want to protect, such as children or elderly relatives. In the heat of the moment, try not to lose sight of what is more important to you overall. “Make a conscious effort to recognise the particular patterns and dynamics you usually fall into so you can act differently,” advises Dr Elena Touroni, a consultant psychologist at the Chelsea Psychology Clinic. “Try thinking about your triggers in advance so you are less reactive and can respond to them differently.”

In case of open warfare…

If conflict does break out and you find yourself in the role of mediator, remember that it’s not your responsibility to resolve things or change anyone else’s behaviour. But you can create a space and help them to work through it, says Faye Law, a workplace dispute mediator at the Advisory, Conciliation and Arbitration Service.

First, she says, let people simmer in silence for a bit. “It will often make them feel a little silly for having a blowout. If you rush in to solve it and say, ‘Come on, it’s Christmas, you can’t behave like that,’ you will probably just escalate things.”

Then, allow them to let off steam one-on-one with you. “They need to get that out and feel heard.” Use the mirroring techniques mentioned to help them feel you are listening.

Be realistic. You won’t repair 30 years of bad blood or solve the Irish backstop, so you should never suggest solutions. “If you give them the solutions, you are likely to get yourself into trouble. Solutions only stick when people feel they have ownership of them. You have to to do a lot of listening and encourage people to ask questions – until they get there for themselves.”

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