The 10 Deals We Actually Wanted This Black Friday

We love a bargain as much as anyone else, as you might have noticed from our epic coverage of Black Friday. But we can't help noticing that all the offers are from retailers, when actually we'd quite like to see some killer deals on all the other things we spend our hard-earned money on.

If we were in charge of Black Friday, the deals would look a bit more like this:

1. Refund on food if your date was bad

Bin-der, the dating app for terrible people, is excited to announce that this Black Friday any dates originating on the platform that go awry will receive a full refund for all money spent on said date.

Qualifying date scenarios include:

• More than 43% awkward silence
• Photos more than 8 years out of date
• Date partner is in fact married to your sister
• Date partner thinks it's "just science" that one race is better than the others
• Date smelt like boiled cabbage.

To prevent scammers claiming good dates were bad to get their money back, your date partner will receive the itemised description of their flaws you gave to claim the refund, along with your best friend's phone number.

2. BOGOF at cashpoints

The Consortium Of People Who Have All The Money has just unveiled its first ever Black Friday offer: a buy-one-get-one-free on withdrawals from cashpoints.

As a special bonus, we are also making those ATMs that charge you to access your own money free for the day. Because let's be honest, making you buy your own money was a pretty amazing scam on our part, and we can live without it for 24 hours since we all sleep on stacks of fifties.

3. Voice call phone discounts

Big Four Phone Network is thrilled to unveil its 2019 Black Friday offer: 10% off your bill every time someone forces you to talk on the actual phone. Offer applies to incoming calls only, you can't just ring your nan 10 times (although you should).

4. Breakup bundle deal

The NHS has revealed its first ever Black Friday deal for 2019: everyone who gets broken up with on November 29th will receive the special Heartbreak Bundle, which includes 6 months' free Netflix (because you were using their password and they've probably already changed it to their new partner's name, the heartless turd), a half-price Evanescence album and a bucket of ice cream.

5. Pizza pension

Takeaway firm Just Spend has cooked up something special this Black Friday: for every order placed on the app, 5% of the total will be put towards your pension.

Just Spend employee Burgaz McKenzie said:

"You'll still need to eat when you're old, and though all the takeaway apps will have conglomerated into one horrifying monopoly by then, it's still nice to know you've got a few pizzas in storage for the apocalypse. Particularly since you don't actually contribute to your pension, so this is likely all you'll have when you reach the new retirement age of 89."

6. Free joint with every Bestonberry ticket

After numerous complaints that our festival is too expensive to be able to afford both a ticket and consumables to enjoy during the show, we've created a deal we think you'll love.

With every purchase of a ticket to Bestonberry (now just £2,345.99), you'll get a free joint.

Of ham, obviously. What?

7. Buy a smartphone, get a screen repair free

Phonebox Warehouse is proud to announce its most exciting Black Friday deal yet: with any purchase of a smartphone over £999, you'll get a voucher for a free screen repair within the next two weeks.

That might sound short, but our data shows that 95% of terrible smashes occur within 48 hours of unboxing a new, uninsured phone, because the universe is just a complete anus that way.

8. Sound-based rent discounts

The Union of Non-Horrible Landlords has polled its three members worldwide to create a special deal just for Black Friday.

For two weeks from November 29th, you'll get discounts on your rent depending on the decibel level detectable through your whisper-thin bedroom walls.

There are also bonus discounts for specific scenarios:

• Housemates banging: 5% off
• Housemates talking about how much they hate you: 10% off
• Neighbour playing BASSY DUBSTEP: 15% off
• Neighbour playing Ed Sheeran: 20% off
• That weird noise from upstairs that sounds like rhinos doing zumba: 25% off
• That weird noise from upstairs that sounds quite a lot like someone being murdered but the police never come when you call because you live in "that" postcode: 30% off and a voucher for therapy.

9. Free replacement of things you already owned

Here at Bargos The Bargain Shopping Chain That Still Prints Paper Catalogues For Some Reason, we know what a pisser it is when you have to pay money to buy something you already have. Yet toilet rolls dwindle to cardboard tubes, pants grow holes in awkward places and printer cartridges claim to be empty after two sheets of A4.

Here's the deal: bring your old, run-out thing on Black Friday and we'll give you a new one for free. So you can spend your money on stuff you don't already have and aren't (yet) sick of looking at.

[Note: please do not bring your scuzzy, tinted underwear in for a replacement. We believe you.]

10. Half off travel to somewhere you don't want to go

Heading to an SEO conference? Visiting Salisbury to see a spire? Off to stay with your partner's parents who should have divorced years ago but stuck together purely through their hatred of you?

Take a selfie with The Trendy Train Dudes' app and if we detect even a hint of misery on your face, we'll give you half off your ticket. Or, to put it another way, effectively free transport home again.

What'd we miss? Post your Black Friday wishlists in the comments.