Ask an expert: 'My toxic boss is causing my panic attacks'
by Belinda KellyEach week, adult and specialist adolescent psychotherapist Belinda Kelly answers your queries
Q: I am 27, with a good career and a wonderful husband. But my work life is a mess.
My boss can be so aggressive and I find her intimidating. She’s like that with everyone. My colleagues just bitch about her or roll their eyes. Lately I find it’s really disturbing me. I have started having panic attacks and end up in the toilet sweating and shaking, with my heart thumping out of my chest.
I have always been an anxious person. My mum said that, as a child, I clung to her and couldn’t sleep alone at night. I found secondary school really hard and was bullied for years. A group of girls used to push me around, kick me or call me awful names. If anyone tried to defend me or be my friend, they would bully them too.
Back then I had a lot of suicidal thoughts and panic attacks but I didn’t know what they were. I just thought I was crazy and worthless so I never went to therapy or told anyone. I was so happy when I got to college and found an amazing group of friends who are now such an important part of my life. Last week I felt so scared, I had to take two days off work. I am thinking of resigning. What would you suggest?’
Answer: Your email has really touched me. As a child, you were vulnerable with an anxious disposition. Then in secondary school, you had to endure the daily terror of being physically assaulted and emotionally isolated and abused. As a teenager you were not psychologically wired to withstand such constant levels of stress. So your body naturally went into a panic response. Your desire to end your life was an urge to escape the despair of your existence.
I am so relieved that you were able to survive those suicidal thoughts. You managed to change your future to discover a different educational experience. A life with enriching friendships and emotional support. You also managed to open your heart to find a life partner who you can depend on. I want to acknowledge how strong and resilient your adult self is.
Inside your adult is the terrorised child. She can get triggered by aggressive people or unpredictable moments of conflict. All the fear, confusion and shame you felt when you were bullied can be rekindled.
Bullying is about creating fear and self loathing in the victim. Victims of bullying are so used to being overpowered, they come to believe they have little control over the choices they make in their lives. Or because they feel worthless, they make choices that limit them finding happiness in their lives. When we are the target of bullying, it damages our ability to view ourselves as worthwhile, lovable, capable human beings. Which means we lose faith in our ability to trust how others perceive us. This has implications on all of our relationships but can particularly affect our relationships with authority figures at work.
Your feelings of panic are most likely being triggered by the negative environment your boss is creating. But that is no reason for you to resign. Why should you? You have worked hard to get here. Don’t let your past derail your future.
You and your colleagues need to get together to liaise with HR to express your concerns about the workplace atmosphere. Nowadays there are structures in place to protect employees from being bullied or intimidated in the workplace. Check out workplacerelations.ie for further information on your rights.
I want to teach you about panic attacks. Being informed about them will help you learn to feel more in control. They are the result of an overwhelmed irrational brain response. When we perceive we are in acute danger, our brains go into an intense stress response triggered by the amygdala in the brain. When faced with a threatening situation, our thalamus sends signals to the amygdala and the cortex.
If the amygdala senses danger, it triggers the fight-or-flight response before the rational part of the brain (the cortex) has time to overrule it. This then triggers the release of adrenaline which leads to a racing heart, shaking, sweating, and sometimes nausea.
Because this is an unconscious emotional reaction, the cortex is not engaged, making it hard for you to think straight. As your brain triggers the release of stress hormones such as cortisol, it is increasingly hard to problem-solve and concentrate. All of this exacts a demand on the body and it can take several hours for you to recover your equilibrium.
So the next time you sense the onset of an attack, go somewhere quiet and sit down. Let the body’s natural response flood through you. Don’t try and fight the feeling. Breathe in and out and remind yourself that this will pass and that you are not in any actual danger. Name the emotions that you are feeling. This ‘name it to tame it’ game will help activate the rational cortex in the brain.
Become aware of all your senses: smell, sight, touch, taste and sound. Keep a perfume or essential oil in your bag and spray it on your wrist. This will help reduce your anxiety and engage the calmer parts of your brain. When you feel better, ask yourself: what triggered the panic inside you? What happened just before you felt panic, what thoughts were you were thinking? Were they negative? Were they realistic given the situation? Or did you allow your mind to spiral into a catastrophic place?
Once you can notice what propels you into unrealistic thoughts, you can then become aware of the amygdala. This way you can tame it before it starts to overwhelm you.
From what you’ve said, it sounds as if you’ve been struggling with fearful feelings since early childhood. It would be so beneficial for you to start therapy with an accredited professional. You could work through the impact of all the bullying you experienced. By doing this, you would begin to reduce the triggers that are overwhelming you. If you don’t want to start therapy, then I’d strongly recommend a mindfulness course. With practice, this will reduce your anxiety and train your brain to disregard unconscious triggers. Check out mindfultherapy.ie or mindfulnessireland.org for organised meetings.